Tag Archives: conspiracy theory

0

A is for Asymptomatic, B is for Bubble…

|

Little Lebu is talking now and can say things like “wash hands”, “soap” and “mask”. This is so different to what Mishty was saying at the same age and is obviously a sign of the times. I think if he were learning the alphabet it would go something like this:

A is for

  • Asymptomatic
  • Anti-vax arseholes
  • Alternating feelings between annoyed, anxiety, apathy and anger

B is for     

  • Bubble (mine’s definitely burst) 
  • Boredom induced baking and binge-eating
  • Boris bullshitting briefing the nation

C is for

  • Coronabloodyvirus aka Covid-19 aka the one with the continuous cough
  • Clap for Carers (anyone else think they’d rather have a pay-rise?)
  • Conspiracy theories (Bill Gates isn’t who he seems…)

D is for

  • Doorstep drive-by’s
  • Death
  • Depression, divorce, domestic abuse, denial, despair (D is not a happy letter)

E is for

  • Eat out to Help Spread It Out
  • Emergency
  • Elbow shake (like a milkshake but drier)

F is for

  • Furlough – a made up word no one had ever heard of before 2020
  • Funerals being live streamed
  • Food banks

G is for

  • Government contracts and general incompetence
  • Great outdoors – gardening like a boss and taking long walks in the park where overexcited dogs try to sniff your crotch
  • Getting creative – crochet a blanket anyone?

H is for

  • Homeschooling Hell
  • Herd immunity
  • Hand sanitiser
  • Holidays

I is for

  • Isolating
  • Irritable
  • I hate everyone and everything

J is for

  • Joe Wicks PE classes that no one actually did, we just watched him squat and admired his living room
  • Just Eat (all the time)
  • Junk clearout

K is for

  • Key workers keeping us going
  • Kindness
  • Killer bat – next time just leave them in the cave, yeh?

L is for

  • Lockdown
  • Living in loungewear
  • Loneliness

M is for

  • Masks – from face shields to silk scarfs, it’s all about covering your nose and not leave it hanging like a bra for your chin
  • Marcus Rashford feeding hungry kids (unlike the Government)
  • Mental health taking a bashing

N is for

  • NHS heroes we salute you!
  • Nightingale hospitals
  • Netflix – I finished it

O is for

  • Online EVERYTHING
  • OMG I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!
  • Obsessing over the news and shouting at the telly like you’re on Gogglebox.

P is for

  • PPE shortages
  • Pandemic – not to be confused with Panda-mic
  • Positive – a lot of positive tests out there, people be taking their lunch breaks upstairs and BOOM! An actual baby boom.

Q is for

  • Quarantine
  • Queues round the block to get into the hottest club in town, Sainsburys, free entry before 8am and VIP access for those over 65
  • Quizzes – this is what fun has been reduced to

R is for

  • Remote working from anywhere – but mainly my bed
  • Rules that make no sense
  • Relocation, renovation and redecoration

S is for

  • Social distancing – if I can punch you in the throat without moving my feet you’re too close
  • Stay at home, save lives – beats fighting in a war
  • Shielding (the opposite of swording)

T is for

  • Track and Trace… nobody because it’s a fecking useless app, should’ve let Google make this!
  • Tiers for fears is no longer just an 80s band
  • Toilet roll shortage

U is for

  • Unemployment rising
  • Unsung heroes
  • Underwear, what’s that again?

V is for

  • Vaccine hope (please God let it work so this can be finally all over!)
  • Ventilators
  • Virulent strain and vectors of disease are the new nicknames I’ve given to my children

W is for

  • Waves of death
  • Wearing no make-up because what’s the point anymore?
  • Wash hands… and the rest because Lord knows when you last showered

X is for

  • Xtremely high numbers of cases around the world
  • Xmas is cancelled because Santa isn’t allowed inside your house and Rudolph is showing symptoms and needs to self-isolate
  • XXX – admit it, your porn watching has increased

Y is for

  • Yet another missed celebration
  • Yawn, life is so dull I’m gonna sleep through 2020 and wake up in 2021
  • Yikes! Keep that mask on, your facial hair is out of control!

Z is for

  • Zoom calls… you’re on mute by the way
  • Zero face touching… but a little bit of inappropriate groping is fine.
  • Zipping off to Barnard Castle to check if your eyesight is ok