I’ve been swearing a lot this week. So much so, that even I had to check my menstrual calendar to see whether there was a hormonal reason behind me dropping the C bomb 4 times in under a minute. Turns out that’s next week so I guess that’ll be a seamless transition.
Then Hubby asked me why I was being so moody.
[N.B. Him asking me this did not help make me less moody.]
A few reasons popped to mind.
Maybe it’s four years of sleep-deprivation taking its toll. Lebu keeps coming into our bed at 2am, sleeping squarely in the middle and then shifting position so that at least one of his limbs is gently poking me. Last night I was up from 2-4am playing musical beds. I’ve tried taking him back to his room, hanging off the edge of the single bed until sure he’s asleep, only to have him come back less than 20 mins later. I’ve tried co-sleeping with a pillow separating us and it starts off fine but then I get the restless stirring from 5.30am followed by aggressive hand grabbing to stroke my little finger as his comforter until he properly wakes up. It’s not great and there’s no end in sight because he is stubborn and wants to sleep with us. Forever.
Then there was the buildup of used nappies next to the bin rather than inside it. Hubby and I waited it out to see who would cave in first and clear it. I cracked after 6 days so he won. I’m pretty sure he could have gone up to ten because he is an animal.
There’s also the fact that Mishty has morphed into a teenage arsehole. There’s only so many times you can blame the behaviour on tiredness and hunger. If I ask him to help with laundry he will whine “why do I have to do everything?!” Seriously!? Uff. I’d love it if Mishty was a nice big brother – you know someone who says “good job” when they are shown a Lego model that looks nothing like the ship it’s meant to be, instead of mocking it; someone who smiles and nods at the utter gibberish story their little brother just made up instead of telling them it’s dumb; or someone who doesn’t mind letting him win occasionally because it’s not a fair race anyway when there’s a large age gap. But he isn’t. And the constant snatching, mocking, and uncalled for rudeness is really grating.
This is where family members will pipe up and say that, often, Lebu is asking for it and we are just harsh on Mishty. It is true, Lebu is just as annoying. If you don’t speak to him the right way, he will shoot death rays from his eyes and turn into a ball of fury hurtling towards you like a meteor on an unwelcome collision course. This morning I was in the loo when he needed to go and he was so annoyed that when I came out he yelled “I HATE YOU MUMMY, GO AWAAAAAAAAY!! I’M GOING TO WEE ON YOU” and proceeded to take aim before I frogmarched him to the loo and left him. I told him I was considering giving up our Fridays together and enrolling him to nursery for another day. This made him cry even more and wail for Daddy. Oh please, Daddy doesn’t love you enough to go part time!
I’m also not feeling 100%. A few days ago I had a virus which has left my stomach in a state of flux where it thinks it’s fine but then isn’t and now I’m having to drink sodding oat milk in my coffee and convince myself it tastes almost the same as milk but it doesn’t, it’s bitter and strained like me right now.
Then there’s Zelda.
The Legend of Zelda is a video game that Mishty and Hubby are addicted to. On the positive, it is good for father/son bonding. On the flip side, questions about what Mishty’d like for lunch are answered with a mumbled “yeh sure” and then suddenly at lunch he’s crying for Supernoodles instead of the pizza that I thought we had agreed on. All hope of helping with chores are crushed. Bedtimes are delayed because they are both overly optimistic about how long the daily night routine takes. I’m a planner by profession – I know how to do time management and when a 9 year old thinks he can do it better than me it doesn’t bode well. We’re just left with tiredness from a late night, annoyance at me being right and NO ONE LEARNING FROM THIS MISTAKE THE NEXT NIGHT.
My neck hurts.
I’m tired.
I feel ignored.
If I ask nicely no one responds or even moves, I’m completely invisible. If I ask loudly they’ll respond long enough to say I’m shouting at them. If I tell them what to do, they say I nag. If I don’t tell them what to do, they either don’t do it or do it badly. Is it too much to just want to make the most of the time we have together? I just want a conversation, but Hubby told me I was “too detailed” because I used more than one sentence to reply. I want to play together with all the stuff they already have instead of screens being the default. I want them to do things properly – clean their teeth for 2mins, put it back in the holder, stop sucking their thumb, stop biting their nails, scrub properly in the shower, eat more fruit and vegetables, tidy up, put their plate away, do their corrections, practice the guitar, reading out loud, Arabic… I just want the basics to be right so they can properly take care of themselves when they are older, is that really too much?
So yes I’m uptight and I’ve been moody. I know I need to stop being a control freak and chill out but for now, everyone can just f*** right off with their daily gratitude journals, parenting books and mindfulness and if I wanna f***ing swear about how much of c***y w*ankstain of an ar**ewipe they are being, I will alright?!
Mishty in my belly 