Lebu’s End of Year Performance Review 2020/21

Name: Lebu

Length of service: 2 years 1 month

Employee status: Permanent

Leadership skills: Lebu’s leadership style can be very demanding, even bossy at times. He expects constant attention and will lie face down on the floor to get it. He is a tough negotiator and won’t take no for an answer. He knows what he wants and will tell you repeatedly that it’s his until he gets it, he gets results.

Teamwork and interpersonal skills: Lebu works well with his co-worker Mishty who is teaching him the engineering techniques of building sofa dens and Lego towers. Lebu is a quick learner and shows his appreciation with generous displays of affection. The team have a lot of fun together but there have been a few disagreements over the allocation of shared resources. Lebu has received a formal warning and has since apologized for his behaviour.

Communication skills: Lebu is making great strides in this area. He is extremely vocal and very chatty. His colleagues find him polite and enjoy listening to him but feel they don’t always get everything he says. Lebu is also learning Bengali as a second language and has already picked up useful phrases like “hagu in passa*”. Lebu can often be found surrounded by books, happily reading by himself. He also shows a keen interest in developing his written communication skills; his line manager has advised him to stick to paper rather than walls or legs for this.

Delivering at pace: Lebu does not respond well to deadlines and will choose to do things in his own time. He will leave things to the last minute and often refuse point blank to do the task which puts immense pressure on his line manager who will have to literally chase him down to complete it. This most often involves putting on trousers. She has put in several complaints, particularly over his inconsideration of others’ work/life balance and repeated attempts to sleep with the boss at 2am.   

Making effective decisions:  Lebu can be difficult to please and has very particular requirements, especially when it comes to cutlery, socks and seating arrangements at the board table. He experiences high levels of distress if his requirements are not met and often changes his mind without telling anyone which can cause confusion and annoyance among the team. As a valued member of staff, the firm try to accommodate his requirements as much as possible to avoid disappointment.

Social Media engagement: Lebu is very proficient in the digital world. He puts in long hours navigating multiple media platforms and hosts a number of daily video conferences. He creates an impressive amount of photo and video content, and enjoys sending motivational messages to remote colleagues. 

Critical thinking: Lebu has an innovative way of thinking. At first glance his space may look like mess but this is all part of the creative process and he is always happy to help tidy up at the end of the day. He is curious and finds a fresh view by taking things apart, sometimes even breaking it to understand its very essence. However, the Finance department do not find that this approach represents good value for money and will be looking to reduce expenditure in this area.

Presentation and appearance: Lebu enjoys the smart casual look, teaming formal shirts with tracker bottoms. However his tendency to take his trousers off at regular intervals is not appropriate, no matter how nice his legs are.   

Training and Development: Lebu is recommended to read the Anti-Bullying, Harassment and Discrimination policy as there have been multiple instances of biting, scratching and pulling hair which will not be tolerated. The occasional grope is acceptable though. Lebu is also recommended to take the Health and Safety training course as his high risk approach to climbing non-secure structures, jumping off high furniture and walking backwards is not in compliance with our policy. We also have noticed that Lebu is not keen to try new things in the culinary arena. We are concerned this may have an impact on Lebu’s future growth and development and hope this will improve as the kitchen staff put in a lot of effort and are getting quite disheartened.

Extra-curricular activities: We recommend Lebu join the cricket team. Last week he showed great aptitude in his overarm bowling when he threw his conker straight at the TV screen. He also shows great aim when throwing food off the table, making sure it lands exactly at the point where the protective mat no longer covers the carpet. There is also a Pop Choir that meets regularly – Lebu is a smooth dancer with an excellent singing voice. He can often be heard singing “Mama I Loooo” by Spice Girls and would be welcome to join.   

Overall Performance: Lebu is an integral and valued member of the team. Despite the pandemic, he has had a great year. He is popular, fun, has a great sense of humour and is always laughing and smiling. He is a charmer and everyone at the firm loves him. We look forward to seeing him grow and learn, and are eager to see what achievements the next year will bring.    

*”Poo in bum”

Working Mother’s Guilt

Midnight and I was still wide awake. Hubby was having another of his coughing fits (The Cough is an annual event that begins around this time, lasts for at least 3 weeks and keeps repeating on you like a dodgy kebab). There was a half-hearted attempt at sympathy on my part but after five minutes I just wanted to smother him with a pillow. I was desperate for a good night’s sleep as I had a big day ahead – my first day at a new job. I managed a few hours until Mishty came along at 5.15am, wriggling into bed, grabbing my ear as his comforter and noisily sucking his thumb.

Bleary-eyed and cursing the 9am start along with South Eastern trains, I stumbled in and switched on my best “friendly yet professional” face. After receiving my IT and having several introductory meetings, it quickly became apparent that I had left Utopia and stumbled into the Dark Ages. All the flexibility I had enjoyed in my last job was flying out the window while I smacked straight into the big, bad wall of Presentee-ism. Working from home wasn’t normal, long hours was. I had to come into the office so the director could see me, even if he was off. I went home with an ominous feeling in my gut (which could also have been the canteen food).

Day 2 started with another 5am wake up call from Mishty. The tiredness was making me emotional and I felt like the lonely new girl with no friends. There was no one to lunch with, everyone ate at their desks, and zero banter. The only thing to break the tedium was either going to the tea point or the toilet. When I got home Mishty asked me if I had made any friends. I nearly cried as I said no, while he just looked at me like I was a loser.

The next day was the third night in a row of being woken up at 5am. My nerves were raw and I was in danger of bursting into tears at any moment from tiredness. It took a lot of restraint from me not to bawl when the printer started to behave like a dick. Several coffees later I felt more optimistic. I could find my way around, there was a delightful roof terrace and the people were alright.

By the end of the emotionally draining week I felt like an old timer. But I was drowning in guilt and felt conflicted over my decision to take this promotion. My father didn’t go for promotion while I was young in order to avoid stress and help out with childcare. That was thirty years ago but nothing seems to have changed as now I am faced with the same question – more money or more problems?

I went for this promotion because I could do the job but it feels like I’m being penalised just for being a mum. I can’t do long hours in the office at short notice which could make some question my commitment. Never mind the fact that I can log on again at night if I need to, there’s no real belief that this could be adequate.

I’m earning more but I’m also paying more for an extra day at nursery, extra travel costs and extra lunch costs. I gave up our Mummy and Mishty day by going back full time. I’m making him do longer hours and coming home to a cranky kid lashing out from tiredness. I’m rushing him all the time just so I can get the early train instead of nurturing his curiosity over flowers and cars as we walk to nursery. I’m home in time for bedtime but not for playtime and getting punished by him purposely asking for Daddy instead. I’m stressing over not being there to help with homework when he starts school and whether I’ll be able to get time off for school events. I’m worrying over logistics from not being able to do as many pick-up and drop-offs anymore as Hubby’s job doesn’t allow working from home, requires going to another site outside London every week and an evening meeting every fortnight. I’m struggling with change and I miss him. I am a mess of heartache and guilt.

It’s a rude awakening to the reality of many full-time working mothers who are offered little or no support. Going from an organisation that tells you to come in only if you have a special need, to an environment that is the complete opposite takes some adjusting. But people manage whether they are fortunate enough to outsource the care to nannies or nanas or nurseries.

I could start reading articles on ‘how you can have it all’ but who wants to spend their life meal planning and having to schedule in down time instead of naturally flopping on the sofa? I don’t want to make more lists because all it does is remind me of everything that isn’t done and my inadequacies as a mother or an employee. I don’t want to be always mentally planning while rushing up escalators, I just want to go at my notoriously slow pace, and have the time to switch off, sit and be. Wishful thinking, I know.

This new job isn’t ideal but with time we will adapt to a new rhythm and make it work, just like everyone else in the same boat. The big question though is whether to stick with this new rhythm that jangles on your nerves or whether to cut your losses and find a different one that is more harmonious.

No one tells you that it’s not just the baby you give birth to but also endless guilt, self-doubt and sacrifice. You muddle through life and find there’s no right way of doing things, just whatever works for you and your family. All you can do is control the things you can, and forgive yourself for the things you can’t.

Appraisal

When I came back to work a colleague of mine asked me what I had achieved during my year of maternity leave. This prompted a complete mind blank (but this happens often when you’re sleep-deprived). But she had a point, a whole year had gone by and what did I have to show for it?

Well, firstly there’s a baby who is happy, healthy and loves me – that’s a good start, right?

I finally finished my annoying-never-ending-pain-in-the-ass-bane-of-my-life dissertation and completed my Masters – impressive, I know.

I made it to central London using public transport on my own a few times which was incredibly liberating albeit hair-raising, and we both survived.

I discovered where my kitchen was and cooked new dishes for Mishty – some good, others spat out with venomous force.

I became faster at doing things like applying a full slap of make-up in under five minutes, eating an entire meal without chewing and cramming at least ten household chores during Mishty’s twenty minute power naps.

I finished reading a book [although one in a whole year isn’t a lot, it’s still one more than Hubby over the last five years].

I have learnt how to take Mishty swimming, give baby massages, recite at least fifty nursery rhymes, and multi-task with one hand.

I watched a film once without any interruptions… no actually that was just wishful thinking.

I lost enough baby weight to fool people into thinking I’d gone back to my normal size… just not enough to actually fit into many of my clothes.

I just about managed to keep up with this blog.

We survived a six hour drive to Cornwall and flying with Ryanair to Spain for our first family holidays and despite the initial stress, actually had some fun in the sun.

We impulsively joined the National Trust in order to force ourselves to be more ‘outdoorsy’ and be even more middle-class than we currently are.

And… that seems to be it.

I rack my brains for more ‘achievements’ and feel stumped. What was I supposed to achieve during maternity leave anyway? Non-parents / deluded expectant mothers assume that a year off work must mean that you can do things like learn a new language, take up a hobby or even start a business, all while the baby sleeps most of the day away in his Moses Basket. This could technically happen, but it usually doesn’t happen straightaway.

The massive shock to the system that is having a baby, takes time to get used to. So while you envision swanning off to play groups and coffee mornings with friends, the reality is that sometimes you’re so tired that getting dressed and making it out the door is your biggest achievement of the day. By the time you figure out when the best time to leave would be, you’ve already missed that window because it’s taken you ages to find something that fits and isn’t covered in snot or sick, and inevitably the baby’s nappy has leaked spectacularly and by now he doesn’t want to go to the baby sensory class because he just wants to sleep and somehow it’s got dark already.

Whilst I was no hermit, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough with Mishty. Knowing that you have a finite amount of time with your baby triggers a carpe diem vibe in you to make the most of every day. This can either be really motivating or really burdensome as it pressures you to be as outgoing as possible.

I knew people who attended baby classes/playgroups almost every day just to ensure they got out of the house and had something regular to look forward to. I trialled a few but didn’t commit to anything as I hated the forced cheeriness and constant singing, and they usually clashed with Mishty’s naptime. But no weekly routine meant I could spend the day doing whatever I liked and be spontaneous. Except I wasn’t very spontaneous, so outings usually consisted of a quick trip to Waitrose, the local park or visiting my parents for some respite – not very exciting. I wished I was one of those mothers who would plonk their baby in a sling and go anywhere, anytime, but I was too constrained by my own lack of self-confidence and laziness.

Until you’re on maternity leave, you won’t know what it’s going to be like. Every day is different. Some days are great and others are more… challenging. You may be able to travel the world, climb a mountain and found your own company during this period or do nothing more than waft around the house in your pjs. Either way, who cares, you’ve just had a baby. Ultimately, if you’re happy and the baby’s happy, that’s the biggest achievement of all.